Jayceon Rashard Wallace's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
Jayceon Rashard Wallace

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[12/26/08 @ 1:24am]
"Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, or they become legends."
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[12/16/08 @ 9:34am]

33 points in the third quarter alone? WHAT?! Your boy is a beast!

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[11/12/08 @ 2:49pm]

I was just reminded as to why I shouldn't fuck with ethnic chicks. They're all fucking crazy.

 22 Comment

[11/07/08 @ 2:03pm]

I haven't written here in a while, huh? I've been busy, though. The season finally started and things have been crazy. We've had a bunch of close games but we don't seem to be improving from last year, which is crazy to me -- considering the additions we've gotten. We do have a new coach, though, and that makes a difference. It's hard to get used to a new system, especially for me. I've had three different systems in the last three years. I had Coach Donavan's in Florida, Skiles last year, and now Vinny's.


I think me and Rhiana are finally done, though. Which let's me stay more focused. It was hard for me trying to be all about our relationship and Kenny and still play ball. When I say be all about that is that, although I was doing other things that's what I had in the front of my mind. I was always thinking about that. I haven't been served with official papers as to whether it's all finished or not. I gave Rhiana my signed papers and told her to turn them in if she wanted or to hold on to them and call me if she wanted. She hasn't called, I guess she turned them in? I'm not sure.


I'm home for the game against the Suns and we have a long home stand, we don't go on the road until the 18th. So, I'll be around.


Besides that, I got a new cut. I did it last week cause of something that happened. I'll post up the home video later when i have it. Here's the new look.
 25 Comment

[10/28/08 @ 11:43am]
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So, each is inevitable."

- Albert Einstein
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[10/19/08 @ 11:20am]
Private. I gave Rhiana our divorce papers last night. Signed. She was upset, which I didn't get since she was the one that had started the whole processes in the first place. I explained to her why I felt I needed to do that, though. I called Howard the other day and straight up, honestly asked if he had ever at any point fucked my wife. He denied it but I don't believe him. Whether it's because I don't want to or because my gut just tells me not to, I can't believe him or her. I don't think it's only Howard either. Maybe it was someone else. Julius, or one of these new ones. I just don't feel like a man anymore. I told her just like that. The fact that I had to ask another man if he was sleeping with my wife made me feel little. Small as fuck. I can't handle that kind of shit. I just can't.


It didn't get out of hand, though. We talked for a bit and she cried, or almost cried. I hate seeing her cry but I'm not going to live feeling like shit to not see her cry. I told her to hold on to the papers if she wanted to or to turn them in. Either way. I took Kenny home and we've been hanging around. About to watch some football in a little while, Sincere is coming by and my brother is in town for some shit so he's on his way over here. It's good I have a lot of people around. It's keeping me sane.
 4 Comment

[10/05/08 @ 12:47am]
Why can't women be verbal about what they want?  Why does it all have to be about "signals"?
 21 Comment

[09/13/08 @ 12:27am]

I spend like all of my days, baby, trying to figure out just how things got this way. I thought that we were in love but I swear right now I don't know what you want.


I make sure that I give you quality time but lately I feel you're not home by design. But still I'm gonna try, you're the love of my life, in hopes that you will open your heart.


Girl I care about you. I'm there for you. So, why don't you care for me like I care about you?


Sometimes I'm not sure I'm all you've got. Sometimes I'm not sure if you love me or not, baby. One thing I know, girl, I care for you. And, the one thing that I want is that you care for me, too.

 12 Comment

[09/01/08 @ 11:55pm]
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[08/24/08 @ 1:12am]
An hour and fifteen minutes. An hour!
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[08/22/08 @ 10:14am]

Argentina now, Spain next. Wish us luck.

 2 Comment

iPhone Update. [08/10/08 @ 9:33am]

Half an hour to showtime. We're about to take the court to take the court to warm up but I thought I'd update a little something, right? Rhiana and a million other people that came with her are here. I'm happy to see my son, everyone was hyped to see him since most of them hadn't. We got to meet Mr.Bush on Friday and then we went to the Opening Ceremony. It was hot. Crazy how these people spent so much money and got ready for this so quick. I'll post up some pictures when I get on after the game, before I go to bed.

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Family & Friends Only. [07/27/08 @ 6:13pm]
Wish I told her how I feel, maybe she'd be here right now but instead...


I pretend that I'm glad you went away. These four walls closing more every day. And I'm dying inside. And nobody knows it but me. Like a clown, I put on a show. The pain is real, even if nobody knows. And I'm crying inside. And nobody knows it but me. Why didn't I say the things I needed to say. How could I let my angel get away? Now my world is just a-tumblin' down. I can say it so clearly but you're nowhere around. The nights are so lonely, the days are so sad and I just keep thinking about the love that we had. And I'm missing you. And nobody knows it but me. I carry smile when I'm broken in two. And I'm nobody without someone like you. I'm trembling inside. And nobody knows it but me. Lie awake, it's a quarter past three. I'm screaming at night if I thought you'd hear me. Yeah, my heart is calling you. And nobody knows it but me. How blue can I get? You could ask my heart but like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart. Billion words couldn't say just how I feel. A million years from now you know I'll be loving you still. The nights are so lonely, the days are so sad and I just keep thinking about the love that we had. And I'm missing you. And nobody knows it but me. Tomorrow morning, I'm a hit a dusty road. Gonna find you, where ever, ever you might go. And I'm gonna unload my heart and hope you come back to me. The nights are so lonely, the days are so sad and I just keep thinking about the love that we had. And I'm missing you. And nobody knows it but me .

The flight information and hotel for 5 is in the mail box. Bring whoever you want. Just come, I want and need you here.
 10 Comment

[07/16/08 @ 11:55pm]

I fly out to Las Vegas on Sunday morning because on Monday we start our training for Team USA. I asked Rhiana to let me see my son and she's yet to let me see him. She's in one of her moods again. I'm tired of it. Most women would be proud of their husband, that their husband is doing something that only a select few get the chance to do. What do she do? Bitch and complain about "pressure" or whatever else. She always has something to bitch about it when it comes to me. She basically admitted to me the other day that she just hates change. That's fine. Most people don't like change. Two years ago, I'd go out and play four games in four days and not be sore. I get sore now because of CHANGE. I'm older, my joints have more miles on them, all that shit. That doesn't mean you need to fight ME because you can't fight change.


I hope she let's me see Kenny before I leave to Vegas. I don't want to make a scene and all that, so I'll have to take it and smile if she doesn't.

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[07/14/08 @ 3:56am]

Just asking myself ... can you stand the rain?


On a perfect day I know that I can count on you. When that's not possible tell me can you weather the storm. Because I need somebody who will stand by me, through the good times and bad times she will always, always be right there. Sunny days, everybody loves them. Tell me, can you stand the rain. Storms will come, this we know for sure. Can you stand the rain? Love unconditional. I'm not asking this of you, we've got to make it last. I'll do whatever needs to be done because I need somebody who will stand by me when its tough she wont run she will always be right there for me.

 8 Comment

[06/22/08 @ 1:13pm]

Ugh. I don't know how to keep people happy. I think ... I'm going to go back to not trying? Why try if it's not going to work anyway, right?


I'm trying to be different and act different but I'm sacraficing for nothing because people are still assholes and bitches.

 13 Comment

SK Update. [06/15/08 @ 8:54pm]
Father's Day has been good so far. I'm at the game with Rhiana. I'll update later tonight or tomorrow. Some funny shit ...
 2 Comment

[06/01/08 @ 11:37pm]

If I wrote some shit like this bet I'd never be in the dog house, huh?


Oakland, April 3, 1901



Dear Anna,

Did I say that the human might be filed in categories? Well, and if I did, let me qualify -- not all humans. You elude me. I cannot place you, cannot grasp you. I may boast that of nine out of ten, under given circumstances, I can forecast their action; that of nine out of ten, by their word or action, I may feel the pulse of their hearts. But of the tenth I despair. It is beyond me. You are that tenth.

Were ever two souls, with dumb lips, more incongruously matched! We may feel in common -- surely, we oftimes do -- and when we do not feel in common, yet do we understand; and yet we have no common tongue. Spoken words do not come to us. We are unintelligible. God must laugh at the mummery.

The one gleam of sanity through it all is that we are both large temperamentally, large enough to often understand. True, we often understand but in vague glimmering ways, by dim perceptions, like ghosts, which, while we doubt, haunt us with their truth. And still, I, for one, dare not believe; for you are that tenth which I may not forecast.

Am I unintelligible now? I do not know. I imagine so. I cannot find the common tongue.

Large temperamentally -- that is it. It is the one thing that brings us at all in touch. We have, flashed through us, you and I, each a bit of universal, and so we draw together. And yet we are so different.

I smile at you when you grow enthusiastic? It is a forgivable smile -- nay, almost an envious smile. I have lived twenty-five years of repression. I learned not to be enthusiastic. It is a hard lesson to forget. I begin to forget, but it is so little. At the best, before I die, I cannot hope to forget all or most. I can exult, now that I am learning, in little things, in other things; but of my things, and secret things doubly mine, I cannot, I cannot. Do I make myself intelligible? Do you hear my voice? I fear not. There are poseurs. I am the most successful of them all.


Written by Jack London an American writter, to his shorty.

 50 Comment

Letting It Burn. [05/22/08 @ 9:07am]

I'm not good at all this overly emotional shit, you know? I grew up in a house with a tough dad, he made his living off being the intimidator so it always transferred to the house, an older brother and two younger brothers -- my dad always had a strong hand with us. We did something wrong? Mom would wait until he got home, even if it took a few days because he was on a roadtrip, we'd enjoy those few days thinking she'd get over it and not tell but when he got home? Whoever the guilty party was? Booked it and hid. Boys don't cry and don't show "emotions" and shit, right? I grew up thinking all that shit but I started seeing a therapist about two weeks ago and now she's trying to change everything I knew. About what a "man" is and about what I "can" and "can't" do -- which "cans" and "can'ts" make me more or less of a "man." It's mad confusing, you know? I don't get it, yet. I'm working on it, though. I need to do this not just for future relationships -- whichever they may be. With my son, my family and whatever intimate relationship I get into, if ever. I mostly think I need to do this for me, though. I've only been in the league for a year and been suspended twice and gotten the label of "trouble-maker." I don't want that Ron Artest type label because it's hard to shake off later on.


I've spent a lot of time with myself, contrary to whatever people are assuming and guessing. I bet my wife is thinking I'm laid up in bed with four blonds, two brunettes and three red heads, right? It's cool. I don't need to lie about what I'm doing and what I'm not doing. I live my life like an open book, unlike my wife -- who I'm sure rambles, rants, and raves about me in private. I'm probably on the top five worst husbands list -- according to her. It's like ... Henry VIII, O.J. Simpson, Ike Turner, and me. I think that's why I had to do what I did. Not like it didn't hurt but I can't live my life feeling like I don't measure up or I'm not happy because I'm adjusting for her to be happy and she's still not happy, you know? It's complicated. Too complicated. I'm just mostly pissed that she doesn't call me when it has to do with my son. Who cares if we're seperated? Why doesn't she call to let me know she's having something done? So, I can see a picture of my son. -- Another thing. How come I give in and let her pick the first name and I can't pick the second? That's that selfish shit I talk about, that she never sees. I even gave the idea of going with three names -- people do that shit. Kenyon Jeremiah Jordan Wallace. Figured we'd go with a name she liked first, one of your male relatives for a middle name and a name I liked. Not possible, right? Nah, cause Jayceon ain't shit and it's about Rhiana all the fucking time.


Now, I'm getting mad instead of just venting. I'm done.


( Burn )
 13 Comment

[05/16/08 @ 1:21am]

Have you ever been so disillusioned with something that you're ready to change your whole life and everything you know?

 31 Comment

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